Why do the same inputs give me the same eulogy?

Deterministic by design. The picker hashes your inputs (or an explicit `?seed=` if you share the URL) and uses that to pick from the bucket. Same inputs, same eulogy. Different inputs, different eulogy. This means a shareable URL always reproduces what your friend saw.

Are these supposed to be brutal?

Brutally honest, never cruel. The eulogy is for the unbuilt stronger version of you, not for you the person. The point is motivational discomfort. If a particular tone reads as too rough, switch tones. The literary tone is the gentlest, the clinical tone is the coldest, and the southern tone aims for the lesson.

Is the cause-of-death thing necessary?

Yes. The cause is what gives the eulogy its narrative. A eulogy for someone who died of chronic Sunday-bedtime resolutions reads differently than one for someone who died of acute optimism. Picking the cause is picking the story you want told.

It anchors the eulogy in real numbers. The headstone shows {birth - 10} → {age}, the body of the eulogy references the bracket your nervous system is in (20s, 30s, 40+), and the substituted text keeps the math consistent across renders.

I read the eulogy and felt nothing.

Then you are either at peace with the unbuilt stronger you, or you have not actually told the calculator the lies you tell yourself. Try again with the lies. The tone of the eulogy bends to which cause + lies pair you select.

Read your fitness eulogy

Free dark-mirror tool. Tell us your name, age, the cause of death, the tone, and the lies you tell yourself. We deliver the eulogy for the stronger version of you that never made it.

~30s · pre-generated

Live preview · your headstone

Name on the headstone

Age

yrs

Cause of death

Eulogist's tone

Cormac McCarthy by way of a coach who lifts

The lies you tell yourself

optional

See how your plan gets built

$89/month.Cancel within 30 days for a full refund.

First plan in 4 minutes.

How this works

The fitness eulogy is a dark-mirror exercise: the version of you that lifts, eats well, sleeps right, and trains consistently, and the version that never showed up to build him. We eulogize the latter so you can decide, for the rest of today, which version is the one you live in.

The eulogies are pre-generated from a 3000-template bank covering the full input combinatorics. Pre-generating beats live AI per visitor on cost (no per-call charges), speed (instant), and safety (no edge cases that make it through the safety filter into the page).

Pick your inputs
Name on the headstone (optional, defaults to 'the stronger you'), age (15-99), cause of death (4 options), eulogist's tone (3 options), and the lies you tell yourself (free text, used to pick the closest preset excuse).
Match your inputs to a bucket
The picker walks (tone, cause, excuse, age_bracket) lookups against the bank. The starter bank has (tone, cause) buckets only; the full 3000-template version drills down to all four axes. Either way, every plausible input lands on a real eulogy.
Substitute placeholders
The chosen template contains {NAME} and {AGE} placeholders. We substitute your inputs into both. The age is clamped to [15, 99] for sanity.
Render the memorial
The result page renders a tombstone with your name and dates, a memorial card on aged paper with the eulogy, and a 'try a different tone' button that re-runs the picker with one variable changed.

If the eulogy lands hard enough that you click the primary button, the program we build for you is for the version of you that is no longer eligible for this eulogy.

Common questions

No. The eulogies are pre-generated from a 3000-template bank covering tone × cause × excuse × age combinations. Writing them ahead of time instead of calling a model per visitor keeps the result instant, rate-limit free, and free of whatever a live model would invent about your death.

All free tools

Read your fitness eulogy

Cause of death

Eulogist's tone

The lies you tell yourself

How this works

Pick your inputs

Match your inputs to a bucket

Substitute placeholders

Render the memorial

Common questions

Why your last program died

What kind of lifter are you?

What's your strength age?

Cause of death

Eulogist's tone

The lies you tell yourself

How this works

Pick your inputs

Match your inputs to a bucket

Substitute placeholders

Render the memorial

Common questions

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